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I don't care how hypothetical it is, I am not flying with a live otter in the flight deck

[March 5-April 14, 013]

Woah, it's been a long time.  Also LJ looks completely different now; I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I'm quite sure I don't like that all the spaces have disappeared from between the paragraphs on my stories.  What a pain in the ass to fix.

My impromptu vacation is going fairly well.  I've actually been writing again, which is awesome and feels really good.  It's been a very long block--or rather, a very long time during which I've directed my writing instincts to other avenues.  I still haven't gotten back into original writing, but that is just a whole different problem.  I can't find anything to write about that feels worth writing about.  It's frustrating.  I'm also really self-critical about my original writing and I feel like the stakes for it are so high.  This is kind of ridiculous, as it's not like I have to show my original work to anyone, or try to get published, but, I don't know, I can't help it.  It's quite paralyzing.

I do want to get my fanfiction projects under control, though, at least.  I recently got myself together enough to post a new chapter of the Epic.  But I still have maybe 3 unedited chapters, plus approximately a ton left to write.  I also have several, mostly long, Sherlock pieces that have been sitting around untouched for a while, and it all gets more obnoxious still, because my current projects folder is full of so much crap, finished and abandoned stories and blah, blah, blah.  I'm not even totally sure what's worth saving anymore and what's not.  Most of the Sherlock stuff I'm going to try to continue, and hope that the large hiatus in the middle of each piece isn't apparent in the writing.  Unfortunately, I'm not super excited about any of them.  What I really want is a writing project that excites me.  I can't even clear out my current ones and start over because a lot of them are long.  But they give me something to work on, which is good, at least.

I just feel like I need to get my mind around all of these projects, especially the stuff I need to edit and post (which is quite a bit of stuff, actually) and the stuff I should just give up as abandoned.  There are so many old projects in my writing folder, barely-started original works, fan works for fandoms I'm barely in anymore, like Star Trek.  I'm just so insistent when I look at them that maybe I'll finish them someday, but right now the clutter is just really driving me insane.  Getting rid of all of that disorganized mess is one of those projects that I think will be so easy that I can just do it one evening when I'm tired and have nothing else I feel like doing, but then as soon as I start I realize it's harder than that and I actually don't want to do it now, and thus it never gets done.  At some point, I just need to prioritize it.

Like today I am prioritizing making this list of current projects, something I always think will be helpful but only sometimes is.  Oh well.

Current (fandom) writing:

Harry/Clara story, sequel to Scattered Cards: I always intended this Harry/Clara verse to be an actual 'verse, with more than one story, and for it to include John, but it was stuck even before my bout of writer's block because I was trying to figure out how John's timeline would work.  I've basically given up on that, at least for now.  It's too confusing, what with inconsistent canon information, differences in current medical training versus medical training a decade or two ago, different John-canon-theories, etc., etc., etc.  Also this story I'm working on now doesn't include John, so using him as an excuse not to work on it is a little lame.  I'm not sure what I think of it just yet, but I haven't got much down.  It's odd to write Harry/Clara because it's basically writing original-character fanfiction.  I'm sure my takes on these two aren't anywhere near as interesting as some others out there.  Maybe writing them more in this series will change that?

Harry and Irene Post-Reichenbach: I was originally going to write this as a Big Bang, which didn't work out for all sorts of reasons, one of which being that I thought of it much too late, and another being that I had no business doing a Big Bang at that time anyway, as I'd just finished the K/S Big Bang and was sort of burnt out.  Ideally, I'd finish this one before Season 3 premieres, as it's my own take on the Return and I'd like it to still be plausible for at least, like, a day.  I'm still fond of the idea, though as with a lot of my current fic, I don't know if I'm doing a good job of rendering it or not.  It's an update of a Conan Doyle story, but with more lesbians.  I'm a bit worried it's too stylized, and it's too long to take that kind of style.  It's sort of in the same verse as Scattered Cards, but also sort of not.  One does not require the other, but I'm trying to stay consistent with characterization.  I recently finished the first major long scene, and now I'm starting on the next bit.  Having a bit of trouble, but I'm actually hoping that it will ultimately easier to not have to worry so much with meshing with older stuff within the same scene, and sort of starting fresh.

Sherlock/Victor: Another, slightly older Big Bang idea, though a desperate one in its complete lack of overarching plot.  I might actually be more fond of this one than any of my other Sherlock stories atm.  I'm almost afraid to reread it and find it all sucks.  Again, though, stuck, and I might /have/ to reread it to figure it out.  I want to end the scene I'm currently on, but I worry that if I do that it will read as too sudden a conclusion.  The scene is very long and I've been working on it for ages, or I started it ages ago at least, and I think if it just cuts off, it will read pretty obviously as me just being stuck and tacking on a conclusion to this bit because I was bored with it, rather than as an organic conclusion to a certain section of the narrative.  Plus, what will happen next?  On the positive side, I get to write Victor, my nice version of Victor, someone I think is in keeping with Conan Doyle's version.  One thing that gets me down about rp'ing is that Victor is so often a villain, but I like thinking of him as a sweet nerdy English Lit student and fellow uni outcast who, even if he doesn't completely /get/ Sherlock, does sincerely like him and enjoy his company.  At any rate, it's sort of a meandering thing, not going to be finished, even the first section, anytime soon, but I suppose that's all right.

Mycroft/"Anthea": I started writing this for a prompt on the kink meme, which I doubt I would even be able to find at this point.  I'm not really following the prompt all that well anyway.  I cannot even help it, though, I have a major soft spot developing for these too, and even though I generally think of Mycroft as gay, I kind of want "Anthea" to be his exception?  My only real concern with this fic is that I think it's approaching its end, and I'm not sure, first, what that end should be, and second, if maybe I've overshot it.  It's even more stylized than the Harry and Irene piece above, and it's supposed to be short, just a punch, but if it goes on too long and meanders and the reader gets tired of the style, that's a big problem.  What's interesting at first falls flat by the end.  So I don't know. I think I need to find a way to wrap it up that feels right, not too rushed, as I'm writing it, and then let it sit, and then read it through from the beginning to see what I think of the pacing.  It's possible something can be cut or rearranged, I don't know.  I've given it up on it truly fitting the prompt; now I just want it to be a decent story with an arc that makes sense.

The Epic: I don't even know.  I never know.  I was on a bit of a roll during my vacation, but now that I'm back at work (yeah, it takes me a long time to write up these entries), and not able to devote as much time to writing, I'm a bit unsure of where I am and what's happening.  I don't want to go so many months without posting, like between the last two updates, but I have more important RL fish to fry right now, unfortunately.  I'm at sort of a hard scene.  I was on a roll with some Jim and Bones interaction, and now I have to bring my OC kid back in and I really hate writing kids, why did I start this story again?  Eh, I love it too.  I'm really desperate to get to a point where I can, if not finish it, at least wrap it up for now, get it to a place where I can take a longer break on purpose and not feel guilty.  I don't know.  I don't want to compromise on this, but it's hard to keep going when I'm not really in ST fandom anymore, and I don't know if I'm being IC with the characters anymore, either IC in regard to canon, or in regard to my own previous characterizations.  I liked the first part of this story a lot more, when it was really focusing on my own weird kinks.  And I like the older version of my OC that I play around with in my head.  But this middle ground is like eh.  It needs to go faster than it's going.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just writing this for the reviews, which I wasn't even reading for a while, and out of stubborness.  Still, I'm not letting it go, and there are things I do like about it.  I'll need to get back into ST, maybe watch some TOS... and then of course there's the new movie.  I'm a bit excited but mostly wary.  I hope it will be inspiring and not just induce eye rolling.

Current (fandom) editing:

Sherlock and Mycroft stor(ies): I had this ambitious idea for a request on the Sherlock kink meme about Sherlock and Mycroft not hating each other/being awful to each other all the time.  I wanted to do a multiple time period storyline, all spliced up and then the anchor for it being the Hiatus.  But when I read it, I found it was as I'd feared: the splitting up just took the reader out of each story, the connections between them were too tenuous, the first two stories were too short and the third just dragged on way too long and wasn't as engrossing.  And the anchor part was just... generic.  It really didn't tell me anything new.  I'm thinking of making the first two sections standalone stories, putting them back together again and making them maybe two parts of a series.  Reading the first on its own, I have a slight concern that it's too short.  It's cute, and it doesn't try to tell any big story; it doesn't /need/ anything more for the plot.  But I'm afraid it's too short to draw a person in.  I imagine the second bit will have that problem to some extent too.  I'm not sure that the third story is worth salvaging.  There are some parts I like, but it drags way too much and it's way too long.  I might be better served re-writing it, if I do anything at all, and I'm not sure I like it enough to spend time on that.

Sherlock/John and skull: About an age ago I wrote a story, again I think based off of a kink meme prompt, in which Sherlock and John have sex, and banter a lot (knowing me, probably poorly) and fake being exhibitionists.  It goes on for 10,000 words.  This is like a Big Bang's worth of smut, I am no even kidding.  I'm not sure where it came from.  I think I was on a major porn writing kink at the time.  Anyway, I haven't read it in a while, but I have a feeling it's going to be mostly small changes, and maybe some work on the ending (I have a vague memory of not knowing how to end it....), but it is what it is, a long pwp and I'm not going to change that.  Mostly I'm just putting off editing it until I'm actually in the mood to post something.

The Epic next chapter: I don't even remember what the next chapter I need to post is, tbqh.  I want to write a bit more of the text before I get into posting another chapter, though it's tricky, because I don't want another long hiatus, and I'm also getting annoyed with having the story in several places at once: what's being written, what's being edited, what's being read/reviewed.  It's maddening.  The idea behind having some extra chapters in storage, so to speak, was to avoid the sort of several month long stretch without new chapters that I just did, so clearly it was a bit of a failure.  I don't know.  Still, editing is not really a priority at the moment.  It lags behind writing, which lags behind, sadly, real life.

The Epic: Side story: I keep on forgetting this exists.  I wrote this last summer, during an odd brief period where there was always ice cream in the house and I was trying to watch Merlin.  I have a certain soft spot for it, but I'm not sure if anyone else in the world will care for it.  Its potential audience is small: only those who've read The Epic /and/ like these particular OCs enough to read something like 20 pages about them, during which they interact with no canon ST characters, and have a lot of odd Vulcan-y sort of D/s sex.  It's weird stuff.  I'm afraid when I reread it I'll hate it, too, that it won't be anything like what I was imagining it to be before I wrote it.  It's not a story I particularly think will get a lot of attention, but I do plan on fixing it up, especially the ending, which I remember being abrupt, and posting it somewhere.  I'm not sure where.  I'm afraid it has too much sex for ffn (a little ridiculous, but I've had people say the first chapter of the epic is crossing a line.  Do I read too much smut?  Am I desensitized?).  I'm not happy with LJ fucking up everything I copy/paste and ruining my formatting, so I'm a bit loathe to post to this site.  I could post to AO3, but as the Epic isn't posted there, it seems a bit weird to post a side piece there.  Eh.


Sherlock and John at the Holmes family house: Back in the day, a very long ago day now, I was in a porn-writing kick, and I thought I would write one of those prompt tables, this one with a list of kinks.  Oh, how ambitious.  This was going to be a fill for the 'gag' prompt, but I must have written 15 pages and still no porn.  Not only is there no porn, but there isn't even a particularly good build up to porn.  Even as I was writing the last scene, I was thinking that it was going pretty dramatically downhill.  It felt meandering and ooc and the porn was both being forced and coming out of nowhere...  I don't know.  It definitely cannot be the story that I wanted it to be.  I think the original premise is good, but if it's going to be written as a porn-y short, it can't have the sort of build up this did.  I do wonder if there is something to be salvaged in the first part, though.  It might be a decent Sherlock's-home-life story, or it might be... not.  I'm considering it to be in limbo right now because I'm neither writing nor editing it and I have no real desire to work on it.  I would need to read it again from the beginning, and if I'm saving it, find the appropriate place to cut it and decide what else should happen to make it feel 'complete' and how it should end.  But it's just not a priority at all right now.

Molly/Greg/Martin: I had this really ambitious, and I still think, really great idea to do sort of a love triangle with these three as a choose your own adventure thing, and for a while (last summer???) I was working on a chart for it and really enjoying myself.  It was the project I worked on when my other projects (the ones that involved actual writing) were bumming me out, or as a reward after a day of harder writing.  But, like projects that are simply plans, it stalled and then got shoved aside and I can't even remember the last time I opened it.  It just got too complicated.  Not even my careful chart and love of organization could save it from that.  I still think this idea is possible and would be epic if completed (even though it is a bunch of rare pairs and will probably have no audience, ha ha, for what that's worth) but I need to find a way to make it simpler than my last attempt.  The problem is that it can't split off indefinitely, but if too many choices lead to the same thing... what's the point?  I should probably read more actual choose your own adventures /lazy at research.

So it's literally been about a month since I started this entry because I've just been working on it a bit here and there.  I'm back at work now and busy and stressed and during the time when I'm not busy I'm just vegging, so not a whole lot of writing has been going on.  I'm still hoping that having written all this out has helped me, and that when I do have the time to get a bit of work done on these projects, I'll have this to look at to see sort of where I am with them.  I don't know, might not be helpful at all.  I still feel overwhelmed.  More specifically, I feel like I never really have the time to sink my teeth into any of these works; almost all of them will require some amount of re-reading, orienting myself in the universe again, and that sort of thing, and all I have time/energy for is a hundred words here, a hundred words there.  Bah humbug.