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jude

The lemon is in play

In sort of a weird mood.  It's been an upside down weekend, with me being awake at all the wrong hours and asleep at all the wrong hours, and I'm very not happy with that.  As a result, this is probably not the mood I should be in when writing an entry, but whatever, I told myself I would so, I am.  Just get some thoughts out.

I have two more weeks of work, then one more week to get my shit together here, and then I am moving back home with my parents for the summer.  Mostly, I feel this is a good thing and I'm looking forward to it.  I'm tired of my job; I'm tired of the absolutely shitty way I eat here and of always being hungry; I'm tired of sleeping through half the weekend; I'm tired of my routine.  A part of me is stressed about the whole moving thing, and sometimes I feel sad about what is ending, but I think the majority of the time, I'm just looking forward to getting out of this limbo.  Really, I've been in said limbo for /two years/.  That's a disgustingly long time to waste, and I just can't even focus on that without feeling depressed.

So that's the main thing, somehow doing what I need to do here and getting through.  I suppose it could be a lot worse than it is.

Otherwise...  I keep on wanting to be ambitious but I am simply not.  I haven't written properly in ages.  I most want to work on the Epic so I can post again but I am just stuck, and not only am I stuck, I feel like I can't even care about it, like it isn't very good or very important or worth the effort.  One actually could make the argument that the scene I've just started writing is pointless, but I don't feel like restructuring even the little bit I would have to in order to delete it, even though that would be less work than writing it.

I also really want to work on original writing again, but that is even more difficult and I still can't punch through this block.  I suppose I'll have to be very forceful with myself over the summer to just write something original, no matter what, but right now being strict means writing anything, literally anything.

Fandom hasn't been very fun recently, either.  I'm still in Sherlock fandom in a minimal way, but the spoilers for season 3... well, spoiled me, but not in the usual sense. I don't care knowing what will/might/seems to be happening, but I don't like what I'm hearing either.  I also don't like that it's basically a perfect set up for a lot of fandom wank; some of that has already happened, and really I think if it is what it so far sounds like, it's just going to get worse.  I was half-hoping I'd be back into Star Trek with the release of the new movie (which I shall refer to as ST XII, not this "Into Darkness" shit, I just want to punch whoever thought they were being clever with that dumbfuck title), but that's not looking too good either.  Again, spoilers have convinced me that even if I like the movie, the fandom reaction is just not even going to be worth it.  The ONE THING I wanted them not to do, they did.  I guess it could be a really good movie about Kirk and Spock with minimal female love interests wasting time, and there is some evidence of this, but urgh the whole villain issue...  I want to tear out my hair.  Also there's a chance I won't get to see the movie in theaters at all because I don't want to see it in NY and it might be gone by the time I get back to WV.  Surely it will stay more than three weeks there?  What other movies are coming out that possibly deserve that screen space more?

I finally got back to reading Anna Karenina after literally a week.  I'm more into it than I was, but taking a break was a bad idea, and I felt rather disconnected it from it when I was reading yesterday.  I don't know.  I think it was that I was having all of these ideas about new themes I was seeing in the work, and then I read the bit about Karenin's change of heart and all of that drama and it sort of flipped some theories on their ear.  I don't think I was wrong, just that it's more complicated, a three sided thing rather than two sided...  Anyway, and then in the middle of those thoughts I took a week long break and now I have this haunted feeling of half-formed theories, all attached to a storyline that's on the back burner now as I read about Kitty and Levin.  I was thinking of some sort of society versus nature thing, I hesitate to use the word nature, especially as it relates to women and the hypocritical way they are judged, but then I don't know where Karenin's feelings fit into that, what exactly the 'force' is that he's struggling against, and what the ideal sort of way for them to live is.  Also, who gets to decide if it's ideal?  I have a soft spot for him and favor his vision; I'm not certain the book agrees.  I want to say it does, but I'm not certain yet that I'm not bringing in too many biases to be objective about where the sympathy of the authorial voice lies.  In other words, I just really hate Anna and Vronsky and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to or not.

Most recently I've also been thinking about how the men in this book are all emotional and impulsive and prone to doing stupid things for no reason because they aren't capable of evaluating their feelings or putting them in perspective.  This second part was also a big problem of A's.  Is this like a man thing?  And if so, where do they get off disparaging women for their feelings all the fucking time?

On a completely different note, I've been watching a disgusting amount of 90210 recently.  I'm way too old for this shit but I can't even help it.  I was watching Big Love but it didn't focus on the stuff I found the most interesting, and then I got distracted by Project Runway, but after marathoning a couple of seasons, I got a little overwhelmed with it, actually.  So much competition.  Plus I was freaking out about school-next-year stuff, picking where I wanted to go, and somehow these two things just... combined.  I found out the absolute best distraction was teen dramas, so I picked one I'd never seen before.  Now I'm sucked in.  It's pretty sexist and it bothers me that I think its target demographic doesn't have the skills to take apart its sexism, and sometimes I have to yell at the screen for perpetuating double standards, and glorifying the bad behavior of men, and sometimes I feel old when I realize how much more invested I am in story lines about adults, but, hey, there are some good female characters, I love the fashion, and Naomi is basically the best ever.

I can't believe it's Sunday night and I have to go to work tomorrow.  The thing is that it is possible to have a work week that is both productive and not horrible, where I'm not constantly looking forward to the next time I can sleep.  But I'm not sure I actually know how to make that happen, as opposed to just falling into it.  It's been such a bizarre weekend.  I'm tired of thinking about myself.

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